the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
