I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
