The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
