How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Randomize
