I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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