So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
