Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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