I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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