Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
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I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
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Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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