i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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