I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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