id be glad to
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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