Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
