Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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