Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Randomize
