If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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