The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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