Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Randomize