I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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