I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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