So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
