How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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