I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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