i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
