If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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