blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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