When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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