I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
