im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
