So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
