Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
