it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
