Don't make out with my wife yet
Who did Billy Mays play for?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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