my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
