So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
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I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!