Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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