I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
