My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
