I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
