Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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