I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Farmville is her only friend.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
