so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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