Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
