I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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