I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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