This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
