11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
