Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
