Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
two words: eviction party
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
