i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
