Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
