so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
