Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
