so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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