dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
