True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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