it's too hot outside to masturbate.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
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