i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
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